in loving memory of
PETINA SNG HUI XING.
28/12/88 to 09/09/06

i think it has just set in.
that you left the human race.
and yet.
somehow.
i can't seem to cry. i can't seem to feel the pain of losing you.
are you protecting me from the pain in one way or another?
i don't know dear.

tears are finally streaming down my face.
cause i realised that youre not here.

i almost left my house to visit you in the rehab.
and then.
i remembered that you're not part of us anymore.

i know you can't read this.
but i hope that as i say it out.
you can hear this.

you were the only one who knew me through and through.
you knew when i needed to be left alone.
when i needed a hug.
when to put your hand on my cheek and whisper to me and say, "everything will be just fine."
when to call and ask me out for dinner, or a movie, or a drink, or even a night out.
and you always knew when i needed to cry.
with no questions asked.
you never ask.
until i'm ready to tell you.
which is why i love you so.
you always gave me the space i needed.

i don't think you will ever know.
how much i will miss you.
fuck.
i miss you already.
i miss your cheesy smile when ever you did something wrong.
i miss you running away whenever i want to take a picture with you.
i never got to take a picture with you.
i miss seeing your face on my phone and when i answer, the first thing you would say would be "hoi bitch!"
cause you're my bitch and i'm yours.
i miss your warm and conforting hugs.
but not it will just be cold and empty.

i'm filled with regret.
that i couldn't see you.
that i didn't make an effort to see you before you left me.
maybe things would have been different.
would it?
i took you for granted.
and i'm really sorry.
cause when i found someone else.
i totally forgot about you.
i'm such a horrible person.

maybe clarie was right.
maybe its my fault that you died.
cause i could visit you and she couldn't.
and i didn't make the effort to.
i left you in there.
knowing how horrible you felt and how much you hated that place.
but i wasn't there for you.

its my fault.
claire is right.
i'm a horrible friend.

in muddy grass we stand side by side with our knuckles interlocked.
black dresses flood the cemetry in this cliche tragedy.
just do as you're instructed and take this razor and cut your palms.
i'll do the same until a river of crimson starts to flow.
now drop your ruby red over the casket.
a funeral for my once loved youth.

my secret is fatally gorgeus.
i'd die for you.
but in this Bonnie and Clyde romance.
tell me what would you do?
my secret is fatally gorgeous.
i'd die for you.
but when you precious life is at stake.
tell me would you die for me too?

the quivering liquids in your stomach
will eat away at the bad habits that have made you
a real character in the story of your now distant life
goodnight and goodbye. quickly.
in gentle greens we stand side by side with your head buried in my chest.
black veils send me shivering.
the fear that part of me is dying.

goodbyes are said and roses are thrown.
and the crowd starts to weep.
but the irony of the story is when i fall to my knees.
and began clawing at the dirt in front of the tombstone of my bashful childhood.
with you by my side, screaming at the top of your lungs.
"let it go."
and i'm screaming at the top of my lungs.
"the ceremony was not proper,
there was not enough people,
and who picked the music?
the melodies almost make me physically sick"


and i hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me.